The art of getting by / getting over a break up.

3.4.15

Somebody recently left a comment on my blog saying I looked happy in a photo and it really stuck with me. It's funny isn't it, how we can project an image to show things in a certain way. That photo is probably one of the only times I have smiled in the past week. I'm far from happy, in fact I'm very, very sad. Quite a lot of the time. (If you're new around here this post explains why. I promise I'm not always so dreary!)

Breaking up is hard and the world can seem pretty shitty, especially when 4 months later you're not even sure it was the right thing to do. I hate change, and for the past few months everything has been changing, so I've never been further out of my comfort zone. I'm sure there are lots of you out there going through something similar so promise me you'll get in touch and we can go through it together? My ears are always open for some quality advice and a push in the right direction.

Here is my attempt at advice which I hope, if you need it, is useful.


- Spend time with people who make you happy. I don't have a big group of friends but it's quality over quantity right? Jonathan and I spent over 4 years together and in that time his friends (and their girlfriends) became my friends too, which is sadly not the case anymore. Starting over again is tough and not having a big friendship circle means I often feel lonely but it makes me more appreciative of the fun times I have with my true friends.

- Make sure you have things to look forward to. I just booked a flight to visit my sister on the Isle of Man for the end of May which gives me a little countdown and something to focus on. Sometimes I look to the future and it seems a bit bleak so it's nice to have a long weekend away on the horizon.

- Remind yourself of all the good. This year I'm going to be an auntie which is rather exciting. I'm doing well with my HR course and got amazing feedback on my first module. Lily and Lola are in good health and keep me company - they give great cuddles! I have a wonderful housemate who cheers me up when I'm down and buys me orange chocolate when I'm upset. My parents are only an hour and a half away or on the end of the phone if I need a chat. I have fully functioning limbs and my own teeth and a good head of hair. See - things aren't always as bad as you think!

- Try to enjoy your own company. I am the worst at doing this because right now I don't really like myself that much but I am getting better at being on my own (well, with two fluffy shadows in tow). Things that help: long hot soaks in a bubble bath, reading a book, climbing into bed with fresh sheets and listening to relaxing music, popping Netflix on and binge watching a series, walking to the park with your camera and trying to spot a good photo, writing blog posts, cooking/baking new recipes, and working out.

- Remember that Lily and Lola need walkies and fresh air just as much as me, so although it seems nice to stay indoors in dirty jogging bottoms and a hoodie, watching Netflix and eating cheesecake, that probably isn't going to make me feel as good as interacting with the real world. Although there are some days where Netflix and cheesecake are perfectly acceptable activities and there's no need to feel bad for it.

- Distraction is good, as long as you don't use it as a mask to delay the feelings you need to feel in order to get over the breakup.

- Push yourself, when it feels right to do so. I have done lots of scary things over the past few months and, even though I always tried to back out at the last minute, I would always be proud of myself afterwards for doing them.

- Don't go looking for someone new to love/love you.

15 comments:

  1. such a lovely, honest post..sending love xxx

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  2. Hi Victoria.

    Firstly sorry your still struggling and learning to get by, it is very difficult but there is a light at the end of the tunnel and all of your pointers are directing to be doing the right things which are for you.
    I hope you continue to enjoy the smaller things in life and feel better soon

    All my love,
    Em xx

    http://emmahopenewitt.blogspot.co.uk/

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  3. Dear Victoria, wise advise. I don't feel like talking about my own pain - related to medical reasons - on my blog. Everybody thinks I'm perfectly serene with my clothes and cute things and that is how I want to keep things. Thank you for sharing your tips to get through :-) Glad to have you in my reading list! Baci,
    Coco et La vie en rose fashion blog - Valeria Arizzi

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  4. I find it so hard to be my own best friend! Sometimes it feels pathetic that I didn't already know how too. Anyway, I hope you feel better soon. Sending some love your way xx

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  5. You're so brave to do this Victoria I think you're amazing. I'm going through a tough break up too and still not sure if I've done the right this, unfortunately my partner was arrested for domestic violence and is on bail so can't contact me. Seeing how brave you are being has given me lots of strength and I don't feel so alone. Thank you I wish you all the happiness in the world xxxx

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  6. Breakups really are the worst! I'm sorry you have to go through this. Just remember, time heals everything.

    Renee | Lose The Road

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  7. Hi Victoria. I am so sorry that things are difficult for you at the moment. I'm also in a similar situation - my relationship of 7 years broke up towards the end of last year. It's been 5 months and some days are still harder than others. I think talking about it definitely helps as well as having a strong group of people around you - friends and family. You are being so strong. Things will get better in time and you will be happy again. Sending lots of love xxx

    The-pursuit-of-beauty.blogspot.com

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  8. It does get a lot easier, I know you want to feel back to "normal" as soon as possible but it does take time, you will get there though promise x

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  9. I'm in a very similar boat; my relationship of six years broke up last year and whilst i'm absolutely sure it was the right thing to do, I'm still really struggling with certain things! Having two squishy faced little shadows sure does help though, doesn't it? :) Having things to look forward to and to focus on the positives are great advice! Sending lots of love your way! xx

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  10. Sending you much love Victoria. You're an incredibly brave lady and I really admire you for that. Things will get much better in time. Good music, friends, pug hugs and plenty of cake are amongst many things that will get you through this! x

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  11. You DO have a big friendship circle in all of us!! :) so sad however how relationships with people you count as friends can fade when you break up with a partner. Much love Victoria- I don't know you but been reading your blog for ages and feel so sad you are feeling this way. As for advice- keep busy, avoid finding out the latest gossip about an ex, cuddle the pugs, learn something new, brave new experiences and give yourself a break! Your life is bound to change after a break up- give yourself time to adjust to it. Much love x

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  12. I think it can be quite cathartic to start again and forge new friendships. It makes it easier to move on too.
    You do look fantastic in all your latest photos, even if it is only the odd image, you must be doing something right! And remember that all your blog followers are cheering you on :)

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  13. My dear Victoria, I have been where you are and know exactly how you feel. You probably know my story already so don't need reminding of the particulars :) but it was a very tough time. It was also very strange because I felt I was constantly wrestling with two selves - the me that was so ashamed, guilty, heartbroken and grieving over my failed young marriage, and the me that was relieved and excited that the future was now wide open and mine to plan as I wished, and I was well and truly ready to make up for lost time.

    It really was a matter of doing whatever it took to get through each day for a while. Each day I just had to take myself as I found myself - one day I was happy and optimistic, on others it was an achievement to just get out of bed and get dressed. Nobody told me this at the time, but that is completely normal! :)

    And also it takes time to adjust to your new life, to mourn the loss of the future you thought you were going to have, and to reclaim your place in the world as an independent adult when you're so used to being part of a couple. It takes a lot of getting used to. So be gentle with yourself. It's still all so fresh. One day at a time! All the advice you've given here is absolutely spot on, you've got a good head on your shoulders babe. And it sounds like you've got good people around you and that's important, you really need support at a time like this.

    Things will get better, I promise. One day, what you're going through now will only be memories. Be kind to yourself in the meantime and trust that on the other side of all this sadness and pain is an amazing life you wouldn't have had and a you that you wouldn't be otherwise.

    You're a strong woman. You'll get through this. xxx

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  14. I just read this - Sheffield is full of some wonderful people - I know it might not seem it all the time, but it is. I'm finding more and more of them all the time. If you ever fancy a walk round the park I'm only 5 minutes away.....xx

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  15. It has been a while since you wrote this post...I hope that time is proving to be a healer x

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