Why I am glad my life fell apart.

6.2.17

It is fair to say that the last two years have not been plain sailing for me and along the way I have wrestled with a variety of emotions, along with feeling very sorry for myself and often asking "why me!" But in the last couple of months I have had my eyes opened. I realised that I am glad my life has fallen apart because I never would have been able to become a better version of myself without those experiences. I am also kinda sorta glad I have been ill. That last part sounds like a weird thing to say but again, without the wake-up call of becoming ill through chronic stress and not taking care of myself, I never would have been shaken up enough to make massive changes in my life (changes I have wanted to make for so long).

I have spent my entire life trying to fit into boxes.

I went to university because most of my friends were going and that's what you do, isn't it? Do your A-levels and go to university. Except my heart wasn't in it. I picked a random course because I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life (still don't really) and quit after 2 weeks. 

I thought that being engaged and getting married like everyone else would fix all of my problems and make me feel on top of the world. But planning my wedding made me feel physically ill, something I found difficult to verbalise at the time and something I really wrestled with and couldn't make sense of. The wedding felt like someone elses "dream wedding", not mine. After years of pining to get married I wasn't even sure I wanted to get married at all, ever. The end result was that I ran away from it all and threw a 4.5 year relationship down the drain, and have had to deal with guilt and regret ever since. 

At school I always felt different to everyone else and I saw it as a bad thing. 

In relationships generally I have always felt that people have wanted to change me, and dull my sparkle a little. And I have let them for an easy life and to please them over pleasing myself. 


I truly believe that things have to fall apart sometimes in order to get better beyond what you thought they could be. I truly believe that my future is going to be so much better for the experiences I have had with my last couple of relationships and the struggles I have had with my health and wellbeing. 

Before I got poorly I was stressed and on edge all the time. I always felt like I wasn't where I should be in life but I had no idea how to change it. I was impatient and angry about way too much for someone who had a really good life. I didn't do anything to relax or anything for me. My world revolved around what my boyfriends were doing. I was unhappy in every job I had. I was depressed often, and hated myself and my body. I had problems with binge eating and restricting food which I couldn't seem to escape from. 

Being ill has introduced me to meditation, emotional freedom technique (EFT) and has forced me to read a whole host of books which have increased my knowledge about my mind, body and emotions immensely. This has allowed me to uncover hidden emotions and put them to rest. 

Being dumped a couple of months ago has forced me to spot unhealthy patterns in my relationships and, for the first time ever, I want to be single. I don't want a relationship, apart from having one with myself. I want to learn to love myself instead of throwing all my love in someone elses direction.

It feels amazing to have realised so many things about myself and to be able to blossom into a new person. I've still got a long way to go but I know I will always look back on these troubled times with a grateful heart.

15 comments:

  1. This is the most perfectly wonderfully uplifting post. I adore it and your attitude to life going forwards. You deserve every happiness and everything that is wonderful. Big love. xxx

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  2. I don't comment regularly but I've followed your journey for a while. It's been sad to read about the tough times you've gone through but I'm so inspired to read that you're excited for this next chapter. Cheers to you and being you!

    P.S. Sorry I couldn't sign in so I've had to comment as Anonymous! Georgina.

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  3. First of all wow. I was definitely drawn to your post title because- not something you hear everyday, eh? As I read, your strength is inspiring! You are so right, we all just do what fits the norm and then we end up suffering the consequences if it isn't for us. I'm so so glad you have found your way!

    www.elegantlychiic.com

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  4. What a great post and great attitude! I wish you all the best for the future and will keep reading your inspiring and uplifting blog! Xxx Natalie

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  5. Victoria, I've read your blog pretty much since the beginning - it was one of the first I ever read back in 2009/2010 and one of the very few I have stuck with. You're as relateable to me when aspects of our lives don't correlate at all as much as when they do. I think you're introspective and humble without ever being, for want of a better word, wanky. Over the years as I've gotten older, I've become less attached to particular blogs but I never seem to come away from your posts feeling indifferent - I feel genuinely happy for you when you're celebrating people and events, and only empathy for you when you talk about how things have been shit.
    I also went to university because it was the 'done thing' and no other option was ever presented to me by my parents or teachers. I am glad that I went, although my graduate-scheme-standard-corporate-career is good on paper but not the fulfilling occupation I would love, and I often wonder how things would have turned out differently if I had known I could think more for myself and have greater autonomy over big decisions at a younger age. I think one of the best things about reaching your late twenties/early thirties is feeling more comfortable and confident in ignoring the 'correct' route, not being bothered by what other people want you to do and focusing on your happiness above anything else. Following your story reminds me of this, and encourages me to do the same.

    You are brilliant. The biggest compliment I could personally give someone from reading their blog is 'I want to be your friend' - that's how I feel after reading your posts.

    Sending you all the best wishes and positive thoughts as you conquer anything you want to <3

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    Replies
    1. Dear anonymous, I just found your sweet comment in my "spam" folder! :( I am so sorry!
      Seeing this has made my day and I would love to know who you are! Get in touch, I'm always looking to make new pals! :):)

      xxx

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  6. Thank you for writing this; it's done me good to see this today. Thinking that I should do things because that's what 'everyone else' is doing has caused me a lot of stress and sadness, and led to some bad decisions. That's been creeping in again lately, so it's really helpful to read this. Thank you :)

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  7. Brilliant post. I'm so glad you're finding your inner happiness. I totally agree that sometimes things have to fall apart before they come together again, I've been in that situation too, and I'm also a better person for it. So glad that you're doing ok xxx

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  8. What a lovely post to read and kudos to you Victoria! It takes a lot of strength to go through what you have and I admire you so much for seeing the positives. I can relate to a lot of things you've shared and it's definitely given me something to think about. Thank you xx

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  9. I noticed you didn't publish a comment I posted the other day - I hope I didn't offend you in any way, apologies if it did, I intended it to be only positive and to basically say you're inspiring! x

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  10. I can definitely relate to how you felt before getting ill... It's great that you've found positives out of a difficult time and that you can help others - I've got a couple of friends who are struggling with CFS and have passed on your blog as even just knowing that they're not alone or going crazy is a huge help. x

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  11. This is such a lovely post, it sounds like you're doing amazing and your blog is so lovely! I can relate to so much of what you wrote, I quit university because it wasn't right for me and had my son, but after the birth developed a kind of ME/CFS and been struggling ever since >< I put so much pressure on myself to keep up with other people and often feel so alone in my symptoms and feeling soso ill. It's such a relief to read about someone else that has been through the same feelings :D I can't wait to read more from your blog! xx

    elizabeth ♡ ”Ice Cream” whispers Clara
    (lets follow each other on bloglovin or instagram)

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  12. Loving the positivity and great to see you learning and appreciating yourself :)

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  13. Such an inspiring post xxx
    https://www.spoiled-brat.com/

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